Entry #1

I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’ve spoken many times to others how important it is to actually do what you want to do in life, no matter what it is. If it makes you happy, then you go for it. So long. It’s taken me so many years of living for everyone else. My happiness always came in second place because when they were happy, I would be able to focus on me. But the thing is. When one is finally happy, there’s another one that “needs help” and the time where you can actually take care of yourself and your wants and needs, never come. And people might think it’s easy to just change. But when you’ve lived in the backseat of your own life this whole time, it’s almost as if you have no idea what to do. You know what to do but you just don’t know how to do it. I’m now going to start talking to yet another psychologist. I don’t mind it, not at all. It’s something I actually look forward to. I know that some day I will be able to just do things for me, without feeling guilty or having anxiety or panic attacks for no real apparent reason. It’s a slow process, but I see that I’m getting better and better.

Two steps forward and one step back.

Never really saw that meaning in that saying. I do now. Every time I feel like I’m better. Almost back to how I was before but with new knowledge. I fall back and become incredibly sad at how I’m failing at life. I know I’m not. It’s almost as if I have a second person inside of me that tells me the things I know aren’t true, but I’ve listened to it for so long that it’s hard not to listen to it. I’m never really sad at how my life has been up to this point. Sure. There are times where I’ve been really sad and hurt and all that, but I wouldn’t trade them in, how ever bad they were. Because I really truly feel that because of who I am and what I’ve been through, those are the reasons why I’m still here now.

Of course, there are always times where I think “I should’ve done this” or “If I’ve done that” and such. But, there’s no use in thinking like that. I am where I am, and what has happened, happened.

Just one foot in front of the other.

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