Entry #5

Recently, I’ve been struggling with my depression. It’s gotten pretty bad again to the point of me not really wanting to wake up or leave bed at all during the day. As usual, I’m just as tired as before but now I just don’t feel the need or want, to do anything except sleep. The nights are the hardest. I have issues falling asleep because it feels like I’m going to cry at any moment. I do have medication that helps me calm down and so I can sleep but my issue with those is that I have a hard time waking up. I just don’t want to be like this any more. I want to be like I was before. But I know that it won’t happen. Not that I won’t get better, I’m sure I’ll get better one day. But just being like I was before. It’s not that I don’t like who I am now, I do really like who I’ve become thanks to what I’ve gone through and thanks to Jocke, but. I just wish I wasn’t depressed. Of course. Who want’s to be depressed. I just want this dip in my mood to be over with. It comes, like a roller-coaster. After I’ve had it great and felt great for a while, the dip comes and I feel just as shitty as I did 2 years ago. Well, not as bad since I don’t have plans on ending my life anymore. Of course, those thoughts do surface now and then but not as real plans anymore, which is good. It feels like life is going by so slowly when I’m in these dips, and that I’m missing out on so many things. Which is dumb. I’ve done a lot of things since I got depressed to be honest. More things than I ever did before then. I’ve focused more on me instead of putting me second and I like myself more. Sure, that really goes up and down, from day to day, or even hour to hour.

Anyway, on friday I went to Edsbyn and met with a tattoo artist there whom I’ve asked if he would be interested in taking me in as an apprentice. If I am to believe what he said he really likes my work and think that I would be a great tattoo artist if I work hard enough. The sad part was that there had been another person there asking for the same thing so I kinda have to fight for the spot, but even though the other guy have tattooed before (if I believe what the tattoo artist said), I have many of the skills he doesn’t have so it should be much easier for me. He did want to see if I was able to work with realism because that’s one thing he himself isn’t that good at. Good thing for me then that realism was the only thing I did growing up until my late teens. He game me an image that he also had given the other guy and told me to try and copy it as best as I could. Of course, me being me, I finished it as soon as I came home and sent it over to him. He seemed to like it. I’m going to find some other images that are similar to that one and continue to practice on realism and hard contrasts. His words did make me happy though. And they made me almost cry on my way home. I wonder if dad would’ve been proud of me..

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