Entry #9

Spent so much of my time these last few days thinking about things (of course, it’s one of the things I do best), specially after I met my psychologist on Tuesday. There was a few things I really wanted to discuss with her and get her opinion on and I’m glad I did. She also gave me an assignment to do, something I find so hard to do. We even tried role-playing. Just that, that simple thing. Even if I knew that it was just role-play, I still couldn’t do it without her noticing the anxiety build up in me. I do feel that the meeting we had last was a really good one. I just need to remind myself that she does want me to get better, also because she doesn’t get anything from having me get worse. I’ve also discussed things with Jocke, asking him what he thinks of things and his opinion overall. He kinda just confirmed what my psychologist said and I can understand why. It’s just really hard to learn to focus on yourself when you’ve spent your whole life making other people happy, thinking I’d be happy after they’re happy. Turns out, that’s a lot harder to do than one might think. I should know. Tried for years and years.

Jocke and I looked at a house. I liked it but after thinking about it for a while I told Jocke my concerns and he agreed. He was more sceptical about the house than I was. There were issues with the foundation and the floor so basically the whole house would have to be redone, and while that’s happening we would need to have somewhere else to live. Just won’t work right now. We are going to look at another house later this month.

I’ve also been thinking about my vlogs and making videos overall (see, I said I’ve been thinking a lot recently). I like making videos but the vlogs just aren’t my thing. I don’t feel happy making them, I just do them because I feel like I need content. I do want to make gameplay videos again but I just don’t like playing games as much as I used to. I just spend less time overall playing games and tend to mostly watch people play games nowadays. Anyway. I have been thinking for a very long time about making videos of me drawing but the issue with that is that I never really sit for long periods of time and draw. I draw for a few minutes, do other things for a few minutes and go on like that. There’s a lot of downtime. So, I thought I might try the whole stop-motion thing. Every time I stop drawing I take an image of it (from close to the same angle) and hopefully there will be enough images to put together a small video. IF it works out I’m going to start uploading them to my YouTube channel and my patreons will get to view the videos before anyone else. The illustration I’m working on now is already halfway done when I thought of this idea but it’s a good starting point I think. At least I get to try it out and see. The end result will look the same, just that this one will be a bit shorter. Just have to remember to take pictures of it now and then. I tend to forget things. I also need to buy a new 8B pencil, mine won’t survive this illustration it seems. RIP 8B pencil.

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