Entry #14

This week has actually been quite eventful even though I haven’t done that much to be honest.

I went to visit my psychologist on Wednesday and I really needed to get some stuff out of me that I’ve been thinking about for a bit now. It’s nice to talk to someone in her position that tells me that I’m making good choices and that I should just keep on doing what I’m doing. She feels that I’ve been getting better recently and want’s me to try and see if a more personal cognitive behavioral therapy will help me, and if not, then we’ll look into getting me into psychotherapy. Since I’ve started to say no to people and cut things out of my life that I can’t handle and shouldn’t handle, she feels I should try and focus on making friends and/or just meeting people. She told me to try and see if I can go to galleries and maybe meet people that have the same interests as me. It’s not a bad idea at all and is something that I’ve been trying to do for my whole life essentially. Making friends has always been extremely hard for me. Mostly because I try and connect with people and if they don’t respond I get extremely heartbroken and just give up. And because of my past experiences, I’ve just ended up thinking that people don’t really want me as a friend. That I’m just not a person people want to be friends with. But with me making these changes in my life, I think I’m more stable now to not get so down if someone doesn’t respond the way I hope they do to me wanting to make friends. It’s just a very weird place. I mean. I’m in my 30’s and trying to make friends. It was much easier when you were a kid. You just played with other kids or asked if you could play with them and you just ended up being friends or not. It’s just such a weird thing that I have no idea how to even begin with this. I did go and buy some plants as a “reward” for myself after the meeting. I bought two leafy plants to have next to my desk. I really love how the apartment is starting to look!

Yesterday I went to see the doctor. I had scheduled a meeting with them to remove two birthmarks that I’ve been nervous about a big part of my life. One was on the neck and one was between my breasts. Since one was on the neck, one of the doctors didn’t really feel like cutting it out and instead wanted to do a biopsy. I’ve had a biopsy done several years before so I knew what to expect, which the doctor seemed to be pleased about. What I didn’t expect was that it really wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be to remove birthmarks. For some reason I thought that they could just do that in the small rooms where exams are usually done but nope. Not with this. I was taken into an operating room and put on a bed in there. It was a bit scary because I hadn’t expected this at all. They also used the anesthesia that you usually get in your gums when you’re at the dentist and that shit fucking hurts like hell to get. I always hate it. They put it in my neck and between my breasts and one of the doctors (there were two doctors and one nurse) tried to discuss the weather with me to have me think of something else. It didn’t work that well. I started to talk about how I liked that it was a bit cooler outside compared to last year but as soon as they put in the needle and added the anesthesia, my face just cramped up and lots of bad words came into my head. Which I told them. They said they didn’t hear anything. I told them that was because it’s all in my head. Good thing is that after the anesthesia is in and working, nothing else hurts anymore. Which is really good when they are about to cut out parts of your skin. I kept myself from looking at anything (not that I could see the thing on my neck, but the other one) because the last time I had a biopsy, I looked at it and I just can’t take seeing two holes in my skin with the fat tissue visible. So, Jocke has the job of helping me change bandage on the wounds until they heal. He said today that it wasn’t as bad as I was describing and dumb me decided to look. Nope. Just as bad as before. Not doing that again. But now I don’t have to worry about those anymore and the doctor sent them off to the lab to see if they are benign or malignant. The doctor told me they are most certainly benign but just in case they’ll send it off to the lab to make sure, which makes me happy because then I can know 100% that I don’t have anything from those. It does itch a whole lot though from underneath the bandages. It’s good because then they’re healing, but it’s itching!

Today, Jocke was nice enough to drive with me to Gävle. There was a family reunion at my moms place and mom really wanted me to be there, which is why I ended up going. It was nice meeting a few people and just talking with my brothers and all that. I did take some medication for my anxiety, in case I would get a massive anxiety attack, so I didn’t have to worry about that. The issue being that I get extremely tired because of it but that’s ok, I’m home now so I’m thinking about going to bed and watch SGDQ2019 while falling asleep. I’m alone for the weekend since Jocke wanted to spend the weekend at a friends place. I don’t mind that he want’s to go. I tell him if I want to spend time with him and he gives me that time, so when he want’s to spend time doing other things, he tells me and I don’t mind. It gives me time to do some things as well. I’m thinking about maybe going outside tomorrow and take photos, if it doesn’t rain that is. I don’t feel like bringing out my camera in the rain. I’m also going to finish the darkest parts on my illustration I’ve been working on. Not much left now, but it’s taken a bit longer than I had hoped. Mostly because we also re-decorated in the apartment and I don’t have the light I had previously. It bothers me a bit but I managed to build something close to what I had before. BUT. I now have my table next to the window and get natural light all day while I work. Nothing is better working with than natural sunlight! I haven’t had that ever! All the apartments I’ve lived in I’ve had my workspace in a place where the sunlight never really get to, but now I do!

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