Entry #19

I’ve been thinking about just everything recently. My mood has gone up and down. I’ve been sad and I’ve been angry and I’ve been happy. It’s been such a hassle to change the way I think about the people around me and how I act around people. My issue has always been that I’m way too trusting and loyal to people I know, because all I want is for them to be happy and after they’re happy, then I can work on my own happiness. The thing is, they’re never happy because there is always something new that comes up in life, and that’s just how life is. Which is why you need to focus on yourself instead of others. Since I’ve always been the outcast and just had such a hard time making friends, as soon as someone seems to like me in the slightest I’ve latched on like a leech. I make sure to do what they want so they won’t leave me. Even if I don’t feel like talking to people or that I don’t really want to be around them, I will continue because I’ve been so sure that I won’t get anyone else to like me enough to want to be a friend of mine. Some days I’m so sure in myself that I don’t need anyone but then I just fall apart as usual.

I’m really glad that I met my new psychologist. She’s been very supportive towards me and she’s helped me do things that I never would have done without her help. Just helping me realise that even though I want to help people that I care about, some things are just not for me to fix and aren’t something that I Can fix. Me putting so much focus on other people hurts me so much more because I can’t put the focus I need in myself to become better. My anxiety and depression just gets worse and I never get any better.

Of course the one who’s helped me the most is Jocke. He’s really just been amazing. There’s just so many things he does that I never thought someone would do, and some of them are just really silly things. Example, if Kami vomits I’m so used to me having to take care of it because if I don’t it’ll just be there until I do it, and Jocke would actually help me with something like that. It feels so weird and I realise that it’s actually more weird that I think it’s weird that people would help with things like that.

It’s weird that it’s taken me 30 years to get to this mind set. I am worth feeling good about myself.

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