Entry #22

Looking for work can be something that really destroys your self-esteem. At least I think so. It’s not the first time I’ve been in the situation where I’ve put so much effort into something and feel like the things I put out there, just isn’t worth anything. Now I know I haven’t made it easy for myself, with moving to a place that’s not even big enough to be called a city, but even when I lived in Gävle, finding a job was never easy. I always had the idea that when I finally get a job it’ll be easier in the future to find a new job. Oh, how wrong I was. Seems that it doesn’t really make a whole lot of difference. At least not in sales and administration. I can’t talk about my experiences with anything else besides that because I don’t have any experience in any other field except that. Well, I do but nothing that I wish to make a career out of. I have at least 6 years of experience with sales and administration and I also studied it for my subject before I finished school. All of this isn’t enough as far as I’ve had it explained to me. I’ve been and talked to companies that tell me that the experience I have doesn’t “really count” because I didn’t work for a large company. Ok. I can understand that my experience might not be as much as someone that has done the same things but with a large company, but telling me that it doesn’t count is pretty much just telling me that I wasted all my years for nothing.

I’ve had people tell me that you just have to take any job that you can get, no matter what it is. As long as you have a job that’s the only thing that matter, and I used to think like that. Growing up I used to take every job I could. If I got in, I did the job. But after getting diagnosed with depression, that way of thinking didn’t help me. I still wanted a job, don’t get me wrong, I actually really like working, but taking just any job wasn’t as easy as before. I would end up hating myself for not being able to just do the job without crying during lunch. Nowadays, it’s become more important to actually want to work at said job, then just having any job. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and at least be ok with the thought of going to work, not sitting on the floor crying because I hate working at that place and feel like my soul is escaping my body.

A lot of small things has happened to me recently which has piled up into a pile of what I now call: “Shit life throws at me because why not!”. Small things like the fact that I didn’t get into any subject to study this year. Or that my USB-adapter to my microphone broke. Or, that I don’t seem to be able to get a single job, even if it doesn’t demand any experience beforehand. All of these things combined, in a very short amount of time, make me into a very sad and depressed person. Moreso than what I have been since leaving Gävle and moving to Ljusdal. It sucks. It really really sucks. I hate having people telling me that I’m not doing enough and that if I only put more effort into it or actually wanted a job then I would get one. That’s such bullshit and anyone telling anyone else this has never been in this situation. Of course, there are people that really don’t care, that just doesn’t want to work, and that’s fine. As long as they’re happy I don’t really care. But for someone to say that to someone else that really really wants to do something, that really wants to work and get a stable economy and, just feel the feeling of buying something nice for themselves or a loved one. I, personally, feel like a piece of crap, that’s I’m not even worth the air that I breathe because all that I know and can do isn’t worth getting even a small amount of salary for. Having that feeling that you can hardly pay the bills and if shit hits the storm and some unforeseen expense comes in, well, then you’re shitfucked.

Let’s just say that my depression is not making the whole situation any better and I’m so thankful that I have Jocke here to help me. I would’ve been laying on the floor crying and having dark thoughts if he wasn’t here to tell me that it’s alright and that I’m not worthless. It’s slowly getting better with me and how I view myself and my self-worth, but I’m not there yet. But this is absolutely not helping the matter to be honest.

Tomorrow I’m going to try and visit a few hunting shops in the “area”. The person who owns the one in Järvsö I actually know since he bought equipment from me when I worked in the business in Gävle, so I might be able to get something there. There is also a shop in Delsbo and one Hudiksvall so we’ll see. I’m not so hopefully but I really don’t want to sit home anymore and do nothing. I’ve done it for almost a year soon and it’s really boring after a while.

Take care of yourself!

Love you.

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