Entry #25

It feels really weird that’s for sure. I haven’t been here more than a few hours and I must say that so far, the information that I’ve received feels more geared towards the person who just left secondary elementary school than an adult. Focus is more on getting friends and partying than actually studying. That’s what it feels like at the moment. Then, of course, that doesn’t really mean much to me anyway. I’m here to study and become a teacher, not to make friends. I haven’t always had that view on school and such. When I was younger (and actually went to school daily for the many years that you have to) I really wanted friends but it just seemed like I was never enough, and in the end, I just stopped bothering as much. I got so sad that people didn’t want to be friends with me when I tried so hard that I just stopped altogether. Friends is basically a thing that I see people have in movies. For me at least.

Anyway. It’s incredibly cold here right now and we just got to go on our lunch break. A lunch break that turns out to be almost 2 hours long. I didn’t really think about that so I just do what I do most of the time I have no idea where to go. I go to the library. It’s quiet here and I can sit by a table and write on my laptop. It’s nice and it’s also warmer than the previous building we were sitting in. I get some time for myself, just sitting here and not having anyone bothering me. It’s just a bit too much at once. Just before we got to go on our lunch break I could feel my anxiety building up and I can’t take my medication for it right now because if I do I will fall asleep. It’s not really a question of if, it’s more a question of when. The fact that I couldn’t sleep last night won’t help as well. For some reason, I just woke up around 1 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I must’ve been awake for at least an hour or two before I got to sleep for a bit and then woke up again. That continued until the alarm rang and I just got up. So. I’m not the most alert person here right now. It does feel nice to be able to write here instead of just playing games on my phone. Feels a bit more productive.

My hand started to hurt pretty early today which is quite sad. I think it’s because I’ve been carrying around my backpack with books and laptop and other bits and bobs. Alone, they don’t weigh as much, but together they weigh a bit more than I would’ve imagined, and since I always use my right hand to pick up the stuff I might have over-exerted my right hand a bit too fast. But it’s good that I have a computer to write on instead with a pen and paper, it’s much easier on my hand since I don’t need to grip a pencil.

I can’t really say that I look forward to coming here every day for this week. I just don’t work well with early mornings and sitting in a chair listening to someone speak for hours on end. And people wonder why I’m so tired all the time. Well, things like this aren’t helping. I’m nagging a lot right now, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I don’t want to seem like I’m not happy that I’m here because I am. I’m just extremely tired and so out of my comfort zone. I have no idea where to go and I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. Mostly because I know that I’m going to put on my happy mask and it just drains a lot of me, and right now I don’t really have much for it to drain so I rather keep to myself a bit and just relax as much as possible. I wish though that I had some sort of tea. I’m really tired and cold. I should probably put on a t-shirt under my sweatshirt tomorrow, instead of a tank top. Autumn is coming to Sweden and it’s getting quite chilly here now. I can’t wait to see all the colors when the trees start to turn. It’s always so beautiful. Especially when it rains.

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