Entry #26

Today has been quite a rough day and I’m not really sure I understand why. I got to sleep almost all night which is much more than I got the night before, but for some reason, there has just been so much anxiety today. Almost to the point of me crying. Then again, my anxiety and depression isn’t something I really fully understand so, me not knowing why I feel like I have done today shouldn’t really surprise me that much. Things got a bit better when class started and I could focus on something more than my anxiety, which is probably why it got a bit better later on in the day. There is a place at the university campus where you can talk to someone, like a nurse or a psychologist, when things get a bit too much during school. I thought about going there and explain my situation and see if they had any ideas on how I could make my time there easier for myself. Sadly, you needed to contact them beforehand and book an appointment which I wasn’t aware of. They had shown us a video that explained what they do and in that video, a girl just walked into their office and got to talk to someone who then booked them into an appointment after they had agreed on it. Which is why I assumed I could just go there. How wrong I was. There was one woman there but she was so consumed by what she was looking at on her computer screen that I don’t even think she noticed that I was there. Fun. I couldn’t even get her attention because she was in another room and I didn’t feel like barging into, what could quite possibly be her office. So I left.

Today was mostly focused on trying to get to know our classmates. I don’t really mind that but I rather not to be honest. I’m quite used to being alone and so far I’ve been right in assuming that people don’t really want to talk to me. Anyway, if people start to talk to me for some reason I don’t just shut them down but do talk. I’m just so sure that they don’t really want to get to know me but speak to me because of the different reasons that they have. I know that I sound extremely cynical in all of this but I’m almost 32 years old, I’ve tried to make friends and/or acquaintances, I’ve tried my hardest. I don’t want to spend my time trying so hard and getting shot down and then feeling sad because again, no one want’s to be my friend. I’ve done all the thinking. Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? If I am, I don’t know what. I’ve even asked other peoples input and so far I haven’t found an answer. So. If it happens it happens. If not, then I’m just in the same position as I’ve always been. Anyway. We were put in groups and were told to go find a spot to hang out and get to know each other in the group and after lunch, we had some sort of speed dating thing where we would have two minutes to talk to the person in front of us and then move on to the next. Let’s just say that I won’t be surprised if my voice is busted tomorrow, and as usual, I’m tired.

I’m currently on the train to Hudiksvall where I’m going to switch to a bus that will take me to Ljusdal and I can finally go home. This trip takes a bit under 3 hours one way and I’m so glad that it’s just for one week a month. I do like trains more than busses though. Even though I do tend to get sick from riding trains, it’s not as awful as with busses. I think it’s because the bus stops and starts so often and the train doesn’t. Well, not as often anyway. There are still some rules that I follow no matter what kind of transportation I’m in. Never ever read things. Reading makes things much worse. Don’t play games, and sit facing the direction the vehicle is traveling in. The only place where none of these things apply is for airplanes. For some reason, I’ve only gotten sick once on a plane and that was because there was a storm and the plane literally rocked side to side. Good thing we were on the ground.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I’ve made it through my first week at university.

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