Entry #27

I’ve come to realise that I haven’t explained my thought process of why I decided to study to become a teacher. Since I’ve said time and time again that my dream is to work with art and work with being an illustrator. I haven’t put my dreams on the shelf, I still want to work with art one day because that’s what I’m passionate about.

In school, I studied sales and administration. Not something I wanted to do, but me and my mom didn’t really agree because I wanted to study art and she wanted me to follow my older brother and study electricity or become a doctor or something like that. So we agreed on a compromised. I’ve worked in sales and administration almost entierly since I finished school and I’ve learned a lot, I won’t deny that I’ve grown a lot as a person. However, it was always about the money back then. I didn’t really care that much of what I did as long as I got money for the work I did I was happy. Now and then I did think about going back to school and do something else but there was really nothing I was passionate about, except for art. That said, I didn’t really want to go back to school to study art. Mostly because it’s now something I have to pay for and paying for an education where you’re not sure you might even get a job at the end is a bit too much of a gamble for me. Even if art is my dream and my goal, I have to have a way to make money until the day I can live off my art.

The last few years, since I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, working for money alone hasn’t worked for me as it used to. I just can’t do it anymore. I want more from my work than just money. I want to be happy with what I do. I want to wake up in the morning and not have to think if I should call in sick just to skip work. I want to be able to be at work and not cry because I feel like I’m wasting away. So. After much thinking and many times going back and forth, I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. This way I’m guaranteed a job where I actually want to be and until the day I can live off my art, I won’t have to worry if I’ll have enough to pay for everything for the month. It’s basically security and a way for me to feel better with myself. I need to do things for me instead of everyone else. It’s one thing my depression has shown me. No matter how much I care about someone, they can never go before myself, because that’s how I ended up in this situation. My life has been to please everyone else and make sure that they’re happy, and when they’re happy I’ll be happy. But people are never truly happy. There is always something new that can be fixed. So I will never get to the point where I would focus on myself. So, if I don’t feel good doing something, I need to calm down and focus on myself before continuing.

I will never give up on my dream to be an illustrator. I am a creative person and I want to make things I want to show people and make them feel things. I want to make them smile and think. I am an illustrator. I am an artist. I just can’t live off of it right now, but one day I will. Until then, I’m going to teach children to be understanding human beings and show them how to make wonderful things from their imagination!

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