Entry #28

Well, it’s been a very hectic and weird few days since last I wrote. University has been pretty much from what I remember last time I studied at this level. Which was around.. 6 years ago? Maybe more, I don’t really remember. The only thing I’m a bit sour about is that the teachers here don’t seem to be very organized, at least not how I wish they would be. Some information is extremely hard to find and everything is just strewn everywhere. So you have to look in so many different places just to be able to piece together the information that you need to know, which is just unacceptable to me. If they want me to be able to do all the things I need to do at this level of academic work, they need to provide me with the information I need to be able to do it. I’m just glad that I keep copying all the text that they show us during the few campus classes that we have since I can’t find that information anywhere else. It’s a good thing that I’ve been in this situation before because now it doesn’t feel as stressful as some of my classmates seem to take it. It’s a good thing because I’ve been sick since Friday last week. Had a cold with everything that comes with it. Fever? Check. Cough? Check. Aching muscles? Check. I do feel much better now but the coughing is still going strong, which sucks but isn’t surprising. I’ve always had issues with my throat and coughs tend to bother me for a very long time after I’ve been sick. I just hope that it goes away before we have another week at campus because I don’t think I can keep from coughing for an entire class. Not that it would bother me much but I’m pretty sure my classmates or my teachers wouldn’t like me having a coughing fit every few minutes during a lecture. So, here to hoping it goes away before then or I’m going to have to stay home. Don’t get me wrong I love staying home in my comfortable bed but I don’t trust my teachers or my fellow classmates to be able to give me all the information I need so it’s better if I’m there to write everything down.

My hand has gotten much better which I’m extremely happy about. It still hurts from time to time when I use it a lot, especially when I’ve been carrying things or writing or drawing a bit too much. But it is much better than before, which I’m happy about. At least it’s going in the right direction. I still sleep with a wrist brace since I’m pretty sure that I will end up sleeping with my hand in that weird position again. I’ve slept like that for as long as I can remember so it will probably be pretty difficult to stop doing it without something like a wrist brace. At least like this I simply can’t put my wrist in that position. That, together with the fact that I’ve been resting my wrist and haven’t been drawing much for a while, has helped. It’s nice to be able to draw again but I’m slowly getting back into it. I don’t want to rush into things and just damage my wrist more than I already have. And having the laptop to write on instead of using pen and paper is nice. I tend to have a really firm grip on my pen when writing, which at times has given me some pain in my fingers and hand. I don’t think that would help in my current situation so the laptop is a very good thing for me at this moment in time.

My mental health has been a bit up and down since starting university. I can’t deny that. Lots of questions keep popping up in my head. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a mistake going back to school? What else would I do otherwise? And so on and so forth. I’ve gone pretty much up and down every day from the first day of university. From sad to happy to sad to content to sad and so on. I’m really glad Jocke keeps me grounded during those episodes. He never lies to me (not that it seems anyway) and he tells me just as he sees it. He’s very down to earth that way. Which is good. If he doesn’t like something he’ll tell me and if he does like something he’ll absolutely tell me. And he’s been extremely positive with this whole thing. Me going back to school that is. It’s nice to have him there telling me that I’m not making a mistake and that I will be able to do this. He never tells me that I’m stupid or silly for feeling sad and I really appreciate that. To be able to feel sad when I feel sad, and just that tiny thing is so hard for me. I hate feeling sad and I hate crying. I don’t want to cry. I try everything not to cry. He just tells me that it’s ok if I need to cry and that I should if I must. I haven’t gotten there yet. I’m not there just yet. Me, acknowledging that I feel sad is at least a step in the right direction for me because I wouldn’t even do that before. It was just something I needed to overcome for the time being and that I could be sad later. Well, later never really came and then everything came crashing down all at the same time. It wasn’t a good idea. But, it’s easy to think back on it now that you know better. The funny thing being, now I know better and still can’t let myself feel all the feelings. Funny how habits work, right?

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