Entry #29

I haven’t been feeling very good lately. A small bit because I’m still a bit sick but mostly it’s my mental health that’s being a jerk. I think I know why though. Not only because there have been so many changes lately with me starting university and hurting my wrist and all that, but also because of me having to work in a group for the majority of the assignments we have for the weeks up to the next time we go back to campus. Since many of my issues get worse with how I act when there are people around me that I don’t know, working in a group of people I don’t know doesn’t exactly help me in this case. The meeting the group had on Wednesday wasn’t a good one for me and pretty much ended with me having an anxiety attack and getting more depressed. It’s a scenario that I know all too well. I tend to act all perfect and that I got everything under control and that I’m happy and all that all the time, and then I do that to the point of me simply breaking down. This is something I do every time and I am working on it so I don’t have an anxiety attack and break down mentally but it’s taking time, and being forced into these scenarios so quickly at university isn’t exactly helping. I have an appointment to speak to a psychiatrist (I think) at the university on Tuesday the week I’m at the campus so hopefully we can figure something out that will help me through this easier. Here’s to hoping. I really want to do good but if I’m going to have to have more group assignments I need some sort of way to deal with it. I can’t change the way I’ve behaved for years just overnight, even if I really truly want to. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. It would be easier if I was allowed to do all the assignments on my own but I can understand that it might not be possible, but hopefully, we can come to some sort of agreement at least. So I spent Thursday working on the only assignment that we have to do solo, instead of working on another one that we need to do with the group. I just couldn’t do another day having to talk to the group. I could feel that I was on the verge of tears even hours before our meeting on Thursday so I just had to tell them I couldn’t be there. I have to focus on myself, I just have to. I can’t keep making the same mistakes that got me into this mental mess in the first place.

“It’s a scenario that I know all too well.”

Well. I have the weekend to myself, for good and bad. Jocke is spending the weekend at an old friends house since they live so far from each other. He does this now and then. I can’t say that I’m all that happy being home alone for the whole weekend but it’s nice to know that he’s happy. I still have Kami and Reika to keep me company so it’s not all bad. Normally it isn’t that bad at all and I tend to listen to music and such on the speakers instead of the headphones but since I’ve been feeling pretty anxious and depressed for a few days it just escalates things. I know that if I really really wanted him to come home, he would and he’s just a few hours away and knowing that makes me feel better. I’m probably going to spend this weekend watching things and maybe playing some FFXIV. I’m almost level 60 with my machinist and after that, I’m not sure which one to level up next. I’ve leveled all the classes up to at least level 50. Then I went off and played on just the dark knight until that one got to level 70 and now I’m going back to leveling the rest up to 60. I like having every class on a similar level so I don’t need to save gear for the lower levels, and for some reason, I also really like leveling alts, which in this game is just other jobs instead of a whole new character. Which is nice, to be honest. I might also do some more sketching on my most recent small illustration but that depends on how my wrist is doing. I’ve been drawing a bit too much quite quickly and I’ve been feeling it in my wrist with it hurting a bit more again. I just really had fun getting back into drawing and it really didn’t hurt then, but of course, it sneaked up on me and it started to hurt again. I need to remember that just because it feels better doesn’t mean that it’s healed yet. As with my recovery from depression and anxiety, it’s going to take some time. Small steps. One step at a time even though I think I should be able to just “fix” it, but then again, that hasn’t worked any other time I’ve tried it. Still doesn’t stop me from thinking of it. That’s habits for you.

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