Entry #33

I’ve been trying my best to take care of myself since last I wrote here. I haven’t been feeling well and the pain from the surgery to remove my wisdom tooth hasn’t helped to be perfectly honest. I’ve felt my depression taking over and I’ve spent more than my fair share of crying and feeling that I’m worthless. Jocke has been supportive during my episodes and telling me that it’s all in my head and that I shouldn’t feel like that because it’s not true, and I know this, but it’s still incredibly hard to get those depressive thoughts out of my head. The depressive episodes aren’t as long and as deep as they used to, which is a very good sign. I’m guessing it’s because I actually have a great support system now. Something I didn’t have before because, well, I didn’t share anything because I felt that if I did, I wouldn’t be this perfect person that I was trying to portrait. Which is stupid, I know, but it’s easy to look back on something now that you have the answers. I try not to do that so much. Even if things have been bad and I’ve had my dark times, I actually like the person I am now. More or less. It’s because of all my experiences in life that have made me into the person that I am today and if I would change anything in my past, I might not be this me, that I like, anymore. So. No. Even if I had dark days and hardships in my life I wouldn’t change them and I don’t hate those bad times. I know some people find that weird that I’m not mad or hold grudges against some people for things they have done to me but it won’t change anything because what is done is done. I am who I am and I like who I am.

On other news. Jocke has told me he’ll help me “build” a microphone arm out of an IKEA lamp so I can actually start using my Spark again. Well, after I buy a new cord for it since the XLR to USB adapter broke on me. Reminder to myself, don’t buy an adapter made almost entirely of plastic for $90 because it won’t last for very long. Anyway, after getting the arm fixed I will be able to use the microphone more since the reason I haven’t used it much (except for the broken adapter) is that the stand I have for it takes up so much space on my desk and actually covers about 2/3 of the computer screen. It’s not a good one but it was the only one I had. I want to start streaming again and even though the Samson microphone works wonders, the Spark is so much better at not picking up background noise, and I love that. Plus, it’s sad that I’m not using that Spark because I did buy it and I don’t want it just standing on a shelf collecting dust (I do clean it now and then so not that much dust is collecting). I’ve been playing a lot of FFXIV recently again and I find it find getting through the story quests. For once I’m not a whole expansion after! This is the first expansion where I’m “almost” caught up and I’m happy. I didn’t actually like the story and world in Stormblood, which is sad because I really liked the story and the world in Heavensward. I still like going back there. It feels like they managed to get you invested in the NPC’s more in that one than in Stormblood. I will have to see how the newest one is. I’m excited about that!

Also. Inktober is going alright. I’ve actually managed to do one piece for each day so far which is the longest I’ve ever gone when I’ve tried this. I think the longest I’ve managed to do before has been around 14 days and even though I’m not happy about all the pieces I’ve done so far, I am happy that I’ve done them! It was a really good choice to stick with making simple pieces instead of just doing a full illustration for each day. I know myself and that never works. I always take such a long time thinking things through and trying to get them perfect and having a challenge like this makes me stressed and I just end up being frustrated with myself. Mostly thinking that I’m incapable of making beautiful art every day like I see everyone else is doing. But. I don’t know how they work and for me, this is the best strategy. I want to challenge myself to actually do one piece each day in ink. That’s the challenge for me!

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