Entry #34

I haven’t been feeling my best for days now. Constant anxiety day in and day out has been something difficult to handle and it didn’t get better with the week at campus starting this Monday. I have been really anxious about if I’m doing the right thing, studying to become a teacher that is. It’s not that I’m regretting my choice based on the fact that I don’t want to study. It’s that I’m truly wondering if it’s worth it. It’s four years of university study until I can be able to work as a teacher. If becoming a teacher was the only thing I wanted to be then that wouldn’t be an issue because I’m working towards something I truly want to do. My issue is (and has always been) that I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to be an illustrator. But I can’t work as one full time right now because I actually do need to have a salary to be able to live and not just have Jocke bring in the cash. I don’t know how long it will take until I will be able to work as an illustrator. It can take months or it can take years. Is it worth it? Is it worth the years it would take to become a teacher? All of this is just making me so tired. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t do this then what else? Then I’m back where I was, unemployed and without money to be able to do all the things that I want to do. I never thought that it would be so hard to be able to do what I wanted to do with my life and it’s just making me more depressed. I’ve contacted my psychologist in hopes of having someone outside of my life to be able to discuss this with because I’m really not sure what to do. I know people can’t decide what I should do with my life but I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to do.

What should I do…

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