Entry #35

Jocke helped me to calm down yesterday after I got home. I love discussing things like this with him because he is extremely calm and logical when it comes to things like this. I told him what I had been thinking of and why my anxiety was skyrocketing and he explained his thoughts and what he felt of the things I was thinking about. Because of his calm way of explaining what he thinks of something. He never makes me feel stupid for the things I think about and have anxiety over. I asked him if it’s worth studying four years to maybe work as a teacher or try and find some work and just work some shitty job until I’m able to work as an illustrator. He said that if I would get a job as an illustrator in the middle of my studies, I should absolutely quit my studies and go with the illustration thing because that’s what I want to do. It’s really nice to hear that because I’m still quite scared that he’s going to get mad at me for not finishing my education, but he keeps telling me that he’s never mad at me for the choices I make and I know this. It’s just hard to not think like that since I’m so used to it. I feel much better knowing this and feel like it’s not a bad choice to keep studying until the point I’m either finished with my studies or until the day I can work as an illustrator. Both he and I agreed that the money and free time I get from studying (instead of working) is giving me a lot of chances to continue with my dreams of working as an illustrator.

It’s just incredibly weird when I get met with a totally different way of thinking when I talk with Jocke because I’m so used to everything being so set in stone and not at all flexible. It puts a lot in perspective. How weird my view on how things are and how they “should” be. I’m getting better at changing my damaging view on how I should be and that I shouldn’t care so much, or at all what other people might think of me. You might think it would be quite easy, it’s just not to care, but for me, it’s incredibly hard. I know that I’ve gotten better but I still have a long way to go. I feel much better now though after the discussion I had with Jocke. I have started getting used to discuss things that I worry about with him and that is also something that I’m not used to. It’s weird that things I feel other people should be able to do are so out of reach for myself.

I’m rambling now. Going to finish this class. It’s dark and cold outside. I wish it would snow some more so it would get a bit brighter outside since it’s so dark so long now. Anyway. Only 40 minutes left until the 2-3 hour ride back home.

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