Entry #37

We have finally finished moving into our new place and I must say that so far I really like living here. I like waking up and looking out through the window and seeing nature instead of walls of stone and concrete. Don’t get me wrong, I like living in the city as well but I think that living closer to nature and more outside of the city is better for how I handle my depression. We went shopping last weekend and bought a small table and two “fatboys” to make a cozy corner in our living room. We never watch TV and since we don’t have a TV, we also don’t have a sofa and buying those two things just because “you’re supposed to have them in a living room” feels wrong. So we made a cozy corner instead with pillows and blankets and such. There are plants all around and I feel really at home so far. It’s still a mess since we have boxes here and there but at least we’re all moved in. I did lose my scanner in the process. It seems it gave out so I have to save up to buy a new one. It was pretty old so it probably wouldn’t have lasted much longer but still, it’s a little bit sad.

I also had my first own real lesson where I was the teacher to a group of kids in a class. As I thought, it isn’t truly what I want but I did enjoy it. Especially with the younger kids that I had a class with today. They weren’t able to write as well but I felt it was still more fun. So, at least I know I made the right choice in what grades I’m going to be teaching in. Today I even got hugs from two of the kids and most of them were asking if I was coming back. It felt weird because I had only been there for about 1 to 2 hours and still they really wanted me to stay. The teacher I was with also asked if I wanted to do my internship there so that’s nice. In other news when it comes to my studies, I haven’t been feeling well at all regarding that. Not that I’m regretting my choices, but that I’m just so sick and tired of trying to please people. I’ve been spending so much energy pleasing people and being a helpful person and yet again I am shown that it isn’t something that helps me in the long run. My groupmates (that I ended up in a group with again, even though I had actually been looking forward to getting a new group) kept deciding how we should do things in the group. And when I told them that I couldn’t do something it was suddenly my issue. I can understand that most people don’t really like working on weekends or evenings but I find it frustrating when people flat out refuse because they just don’t want to. Personally, I don’t really function that well during the mornings but I still go along. But the time I truly couldn’t comply with what they wanted, they still went with it and I was just left out. So, instead, I contacted the teacher and asked if it was possible to do group assignments on my own because the group wasn’t working for me. Thankfully it was alright. I know I’m missing one assignment that we had to do in a group but I rather redo it than mess around with the group again. I have so much to do and it just irks me the wrong way when they focus valuable time on assignments that are due in a month instead of those that we need to finish before the week’s end. The assignments I’m working on aren’t pretty but I’m getting them done and to the best of my abilities. I’ve never been one to be sad if I have to redo something or if I don’t get high grades, as long as I pass, I’m alright.

Next week is a new week that we need to be on campus and of course, I’m getting high amounts of anxiety because of it. I really don’t want to go but I know that I have to. I also know that it’s going to be alright and that I get to go home when the day is over, which gives me some relief. Still, I would lie if I didn’t say that I’d rather stay home.

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