Entry #39

I can’t say I’ve been less frustrated as the days have gone by with this wrist-brace on. It’s the second time in a few years where I haven’t been able to use my right hand. The first time was in 2016 when I burned all my fingers on my right hand. Who knew that the metal painted handle would get so hot in the microwave… I certainly didn’t think about it! Anyway, it’s only a week left now until I can take it off and I’m really really really looking forward to it! I can’t even play games. At least not that many. I’ve found two that I can play with no issues: Undermine and FFXIV, but I have to say that it gets quite boring after a while with only those two. Who knew that you used the thumb that much. It’s like when you get tonsillitis. You know you swallow saliva all the time during the day but it’s not when swallowing actually hurts that you seem to realize just how much that actually is. I have that similar realization with my thumb right now. I want to draw, or write, or play on my switch. Nope, need a thumb for that. Or, not NEED need because there are people that manage to do it without thumbs or other fingers but I actually still have mine and don’t really feel like I need to learn a new way of doing all these things since I’m getting my thumb “back” as soon as I get to remove this brace. Man, writing on a keyboard is hard when you have to lift your hands from their designated spot. No wonder people who write like this look at the keyboard so much.

I spoke to my mom today. She wants me to call my older brother and talk to him. I haven’t spoken to him since September because he got mad at me. We spoke about an issue with mom and since he’s involved in it I wanted to keep him in the loop so he can prepare, but he basically just blamed mom and spoke as usual. He makes it seem like he hasn’t done anything wrong and that he’s getting punished by mom for helping her out, and I want him to understand that yes, she’s made some poor decisions in her life but she didn’t force him to make the choice that he did in helping her. He made that choice and he has to stand for it. If shit goes down he is also on the line which is why he can’t be a baby and just blame mom. He has to be just as involved and help out to solve the issue. When I told him that because he gets this pissy about things, we don’t want to tell him anything, and of course, he got defensive and started to tell me that he doesn’t get pissy about things. Then I basically told him that he has to be a part and help out. Which of course he took as me saying that he never helps out and immediately got furious with me. Since it was my birthday that day I didn’t feel like trying to solve this and told him that I don’t have to sit there and listen to him, and then I hung up the phone and blocked his number. The thing that pisses me off is that his “solution” to mom (and his) problem was that me and him were going to “fix” it for her. I don’t understand why I should get pulled in fixing an issue that I didn’t have a part of and I also get a bit mad that his first and only solution to this is having me help him and guilt-tripping me. Saying that if I don’t help him that’s the end. So, instead, I started looking up how other people might solve this issue and found a path to go. It’s not set in stone that it’ll work but if it does, all the issues will be solved in a few years. He hasn’t said a thing about that. He didn’t even want to try to be a part of this process. What would’ve happened if I just said no? If I told them that it’s their problem, not mine, and I’m not going to help out? I just want him to acknowledge that this is actually a good solution, but no. Now I have to reach out to him even though mom knows that “I’m right” and “he’s wrong”. I know I sound like a child but still. I shouldn’t have to be the mature one all the time, even though I know that I am. *sigh* We’ll see if I call him or not. I bet mom will call me again and ask me to give him a call before new year’s eve since Jocke and I will be spending it with them in Gävle.

Jocke is also away this weekend so I’m spending my first time alone in this new place. It’s a bit scary because it has multiple floors and I always find that scary. I have a very vivid imagination!

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