Entry #44

After three days of being at the school as an intern, I can say that this is not something I’m passionate about. It’s absolutely better than being in sales and administration, I can clearly say that for sure, but I still have this small feeling inside that tells me I’m wasting my time there. I’ve had this discussion many times with Jocke and with myself, and again and again, I come to the same conclusion: What else am I going to do? I can’t just “not” do anything and hope that my art career will “take off” and I can live off of it. If I was on my own I would probably take that chance but it’s not something I want to put Jocke through. I know what it feels like having to work while someone else hardly does anything and all the money that comes into the household is from your hard work. I know that Jocke wants me to pursue my art but I also know I have to be realistic. We can’t live off nothing (or in this case, only him), it’s unfair and it’s selfish. I know that’s it’s hard for me to work with something day in and day out that I really don’t want to do but what else can you do when the thing you really want to occupy your time with isn’t within your reach yet? These thoughts do sadden me a lot but they also make me work more and try more. I can’t give up and I don’t want to give up. I have someone that really cares for me now and wants me to succeed, and that gives me hope that I will someday. I’m not hopeful but I will keep trying.

I’m going to see if I can get in touch with a new psychologist since my old one isn’t answering anymore. I don’t know why. Neither she (she gave me her number so I could reach her in case things got bad) or the whole department is giving me a new time to go see someone to talk to so I’ve basically just given up on that part. Not that I feel like speaking to them after pretty much being ignored since September last year, and of course they know about my depression and past thoughts on suicide. It’s really weird that this would happen but what can you do. There’s a private psychologist in Järvsö that I’m going to call. We’ll see how much that is going to cost and if it’s within my budget. I would like a meeting a week but at least once every two weeks would be alright. I just want to get things off my chest.

Some day’s I just wish I could be happy and fulfilled.

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