Entry #49

I really haven’t had much interest in anything for a while now, to be perfectly honest. At least nothing outside of my art and playing a bit of FFXIV now and then. I had a week of being on campus with classes this week and I really couldn’t have cared less about being there. Now, that’s probably not a good attitude to have and I realize that, but at the same time, putting too much focus on taking care of everything and not myself has been pretty detrimental to my mental health. So, yeah. I’ve slowly taken steps to do what feels best for me. Which is good, but sometimes I feel that it’s going a bit too far. Then again, I have no idea since I’ve never really taken care of myself before. New territory here!

I did go see a doctor about some bleeding issues I’ve been having and turns out, she knew exactly what was wrong (might have helped that I had checked for other potential things before this meeting and everything was perfectly fine). So now I have a new set of birth control pills. I really don’t want to be on them but my anxiety and depression just can’t handle me being pregnant so I’ll go with the option that helps my mental health the most right now. Still, nice to know what the issue was and that it’s nothing internal going sideways.

I’m just trying to do things that I feel like right now. Jocke went with me and we bought some soil and pots for our plants because I don’t like them having small pots. I want them to have room to grow! My lemon tree is still going strong. It may not look as beautiful as other trees but I let it grow however it wants. I did cut off one branch and I felt really bad for doing it. But it had hardly any leaves left and I thought it might help it feel a bit better. I don’t know, but it’s growing two new branches from that one so I feel like I made the right choice. I’m really attached to that plant since it’s been with me for around 8 or 9 years now. I planted it from seeds I took from a lemon I bought and just decided why not plant some. Only one made it and it’s been with me since. It’s like an old friend. I like to sit next to it and just inspect the leaves and thorns sometimes and smell it, of course. It really smells of lemons.

Tomorrow Jocke and I might take a stroll into the woods behind the house. If the weather isn’t too bad that is. I have an assignment for school where we’re going to visit landmarks in our vicinity that’s still left from antiquity.. is that how you say it? Anyway. We have a few of those around here so I’m going to check them out. One of them is just about 0,35km behind the house. Don’t know if there is anything visible there but since it’s so close I might as well go check it out. Jocke really wants us to take walks now and then. Especially since I have such a hard time leaving the house when I don’t really have to (and even then it’s a struggle). I know that I have issues not wanting to leave the house so I will try. I just don’t like leaving. It’s warm and cozy and safe in here. And it’s just getting prettier with all the plants we have. I want at least one more big plant next to my drawing desk. I have my lemon tree on one side and two small plants on the side table. Just one more big plant on the other side and it’s like a small forest of green leaves around the desk with a huge window looking out into the forest. I also would like a lamp. The lamp on the ceiling is behind my back when I’m sitting at that desk and because of that, there’s a large shadow over my workspace. My shadow! Still pretty dark here but it’s getting lighter day by day. It’s not dark at 16:00 now at least! That something!

Anyway. Going to sketch some things now. Also going to try and update here more often. I tend to forget. Going to write in my calendar set days where I should update here so there won’t be large gaps in between my updates.

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