Entry #58

I’ve just been incredibly tired lately. I’ve tried to keep to my schedule as best as I can but I feel my depression is acting up again. I’ve been feeling extremely sad and like I’m on the verge of crying most of the time. I don’t really want to get out of bed and I’m more tired than usual, almost falling asleep even before Jocke gets home from work during the days. It’s not unheard of that I do that but that usually only happens when I wake up before 10, which for me is really early in the morning. I’ve been trying to focus on my art and on my health overall. Trying my best to work out without feeling like it’s no use. For some reason, working out makes me so extremely sad and depressed and my anxiety just shoots through the roof. The times I’ve been so angry, frustrated, and on the edge of tears while in the middle of a workout is more than I can count. Even with me putting more focus on my art, I still feel like I’m just the biggest failure with how that is going for me. All I want is to be able to work with making art and I try and try and try, but it just feels like I’m just walking in place. I’m not going forward. I’m not making progress. I’m just doing things. If I can’t do something that makes me happy, then what’s the point? I don’t want to be one of those people that just do things to make money so they can pay their bills and repeat the same things over and over until they’re old. I want to live. I don’t want to just exist and go through the motions of living a life that society tells me my life should look like. I’ve done that. That’s why I ended up depressed.

*sigh* I can’t say that I’m not incredibly sceptical that I will ever be happy with living…

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