Entry #61

I can’t say that I’ve been feeling my best these past few weeks. My depression and anxiety have gotten worse and my sleep has also taken a nosedive. It’s become much harder for me to wake up after sleeping and staying awake. Normally, when I wake up at 10:00 I do feel tired but I also feel that it would take a bit of effort to go back to sleep. Now, no matter when I wake up, it feels like I’ve slept for just an hour or so and that I would fall asleep again if I just close my eyes. I’ve always had issues with sleeping too much but now it feels like it’s becoming a real issue. My schedule of waking up at 10:00 and doing to work on my art has gone out the window since I tend to not even notice the alarm go off. I’m sure that my depression and anxiety are playing a part in it as well, or the other way around. Who can be sure, really? I’m glad I have Jocke to keep me grounded when everything is just getting too much for me to handle. Especially at night. That’s something that has followed me since I was a kid. I was pretty much sick every week and for some reason (a reason I know now as massive anxiety) I got so sick during December month every year that I had to stay home large portions of that month. I still have massive anxiety during December but now that I know what it is, it’s easier to handle. Plus, Jocke knows I tend to get spikes in my anxiety during that month and helps me cope with it easier. It’s nice to know he’s there to take me home if my anxiety just goes bonkers.

“That’s something that has followed me since I was a kid.”

The whole moving thing is probably not making anything easier on me either. Even though our new apartment will have 3 rooms instead of the 2 we have here, it’s a bit smaller than what we have right now. That, plus the fact that the living room has a weird… shape, makes me nervous how we’re going to fit everything. I know. I know. It’s a stupid thing to get hung up on but that’s the thing about anxiety. It probably doesn’t help either that both Jocke and I am certain that I have ADD. Makes sense when I think back on my life. That would explain so much. It doesn’t really matter, to be honest. If I’ve managed to live almost 33 years like this I can do it a bit more. At least until I’m finished with all the moving and such. Also, school is starting next week. Can’t say that I’m that excited about it but it’ll be nice to have something to do again. We’re starting off with mathematics and science education. I don’t like the mathematics part but the science education part sounds interesting if I’m honest. I hope it’s at least somewhat close to what I’m thinking of because that would actually be quite fun. I just hope that we don’t have to do anything in groups. I work better when I get to do everything on my own since I have issues trusting people. If nothing else it’ll be something new I get to learn.

You may also like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *