What happened? The pain.. end it.

We were sitting on a sofa together. We had a house. It was weirdly shaped with too many rooms, but it was ours. We were so close. We kissed. We laughed. We were together. The room we were in was mostly empty except for a sofa and two tv’s. On a shelf was a box with fabric. We talked about how to decorate the room better. To add more plants and change the layout of the furniture because right now it was a pretty silly layout.

There was a christmas tree. Silly decorations. Trying to surprise him. He was surprised. Laughter.

I climbed through my window. It was my window. I know it was. The lady climbed after me. I stared at all the things lying on the floor. Fear gripped me. The lady hadn’t climbed in yet. She said something. I looked at her. There was something weird in her eyes, the way she acted. She said something again. I looked around and the familiar setting scared me. I couldn’t stay here. Something was wrong. She said something again and I pressed myself past her and climbed out the window into the rain and ran. I tried to run. I tried to get away from them. I’ve tried for so long and all my plans had eventually failed. I had picked the wrong choice now. I felt it in my spine as I ran. I could hear them. They would meet up in the “middle” and take me down together. I couldn’t run a straight path so I turned straight left on to a field. I kept running. I couldn’t see of hear them but I knew they were coming. I ran into a lake and dived. I started swimming. Did they swim? I don’t know but what choice did I have now? I heard them. Those big mouths started to drink the water of the lake. I was sinking. I was trapped. I couldn’t run and I was heavy. I needed to leave. I concentrated. I floated. I left my mind and turn away. The sounds. Look away. Darkness.

I was sitting on the floor. A kid next to me and my parents in the room. I helped the kid get some things she had lost on the floor. I asked her if she wanted to give me lipstick now. She had wanted to do that for so long. She smiled and started. Pink lipstick. A piece broke off and smudged my shoe. Mom gave me some paper to wipe it off. The girl fell silent and looked sad. I asked her if she wanted to continue. She shook her head and said it felt meh. I told her I understood and that it feels like that sometimes. That we could try again when she felt like it.

I called. I don’t know where I got the number from but it was the right number. I knew I’d reach him. He answered. He sounded happy and there were sounds of people around him. Laughing.

“Hi. Where have you been?”

I was so happy to have heard his voice but as soon as I had said something it had vanished and turned quiet. He didn’t say anything.

“I’ve been so worried.”

Still nothing except the happy voices in the background. Now just a bit more silent and sombre.

“Why didn’t you tell me where you went or that you were going?”

He might’ve answered but I didn’t hear it, or I didn’t understand it for some reason, and after that I hung up. I don’t remember why or if he spoke or if I said something. I just hung up. I was angry. I wanted answers. Why did he just leave? We were good the last time we were together. We’d laughed and kissed and… it had been good. I remember smiles. Lots of smiling and lots of laughter.

“I’m going to find him.”

My parents looked at me and told me to take the big car. My father said it would show that I meant business. What I didn’t realise it that both of them would follow. I told them I didn’t need their help but they didn’t budge on the subject. I dropped it and started the car. I drove. Where was he? Smell him. Good dog! …wait… I don’t have a dog… I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and then back on the road.

“… good dog…” I whispered to myself.

His smell was here. It wasn’t strong but he had gone this way. He had gone to where those happy voices where. To where the laughs were. Why? Why did he go? … why did he leave without me?

I drove. It was dark now. His smell was getting stronger. There was a gathering of people ahead. Up a large mountain or a cliff-side. I looked back at my parents. They hadn’t said anything on the trip.

“Don’t join me. Do whatever you guys want, just leave me be.”

I knew that my father would have issues with this but my mother would stand by what I had said. This wasn’t a place for them to jump in.

We came up the cliff-side and there was a bonfire. Everything was bathed in red and orange light. People everywhere. Cars everywhere. Vomit in piles. Yes, there was some sort of a party but what kind I didn’t know. I parked the car and gave my parents the key. My father walked off into a larger looking barn and I hugged my mother, again telling her to do what they wanted but to leave me be. I think she patted me on the shoulder or the head. I walked. Past cars and vomiting people. The stink was horrible. There were so many smells but I followed his. I walked. To the edge of the gathering. It wasn’t as loud here and his smell was strong. He was here somewhere. I walked up a slope to a tiny house on a hill. I stopped by the door and leaned on the wall. I knocked. I heard people laughing. Strong steps towards the door. A man opened the door and I just walked past him and into the house. I knew where he was in here. By the kitchen wall. I walked up to him. His smile vanished as soon as he saw me. Mine grew. I found him!

“Why..” was all I could muster. “Why didn’t you call me?”

His eyes looked at me and still not.

“Why?” I repeated, my smile fading. “… what happened?”

The voices around me had been pretty silent since I had barged myself into their home. Not surprising.

“I used everything to find you! I tried to find you!” I was growing upset. Why didn’t he answer me? “I used everything I could think of to find you!”

Memories flashed of everything I tried. Images of bottles. Of liquid. Colours. His eyes still wouldn’t really look at ME. Something. I don’t know. I could see all the memories of us, smiling, being together.. perfect, all the memories of me trying everything to find him. I sighed. I turned. I walked towards the door. The largest man in there opened his mouth.

“Your parents are demons!” he shouted.

I stopped. With my hand on the handle. Slowly I turned my eyes towards him and walked over to the table next to him. I gripped the table on both sides and leaned over it. Not letting my large eyes off him. The largest smile I could muster appeared on my face.

“… oh really…!”

The air had gotten cold. Everyone was quiet. I felt his eyes on my neck. His wonderful eyes. I wiped the smile from my face and hung my head. I felt the tears in my throat. Why didn’t he…? Why? I walked over to the door and opened it. I was quiet, just as everyone else in this happy cabin. I didn’t look up anymore. I stared at the handle I gripped tightly.

“Think of me as dead..” I finally said to him. “That it was the fire under the school.”

I didn’t wait for an answer, if one ever came. I walked out and shut the door after me. I walked down the slope, trying to hold my head up high, but the more I walked the more I started to stumble. I leaned on a tree and the tears fell. Why? I… didn’t… why? I straightened myself as much as I could. The tears flowing down my face. I walked away. From the gathering. From the sounds and the smells. From the house. From… him… and just walked towards the forest.

waking up

I’d wish he’d followed.

It hurts so bad.

Did he run out?

Did he follow?

It hurts.

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