Entry #89

Was a while since I did anything with this website. It’s not that I’d forgotten but it was in the works of getting shut down so I didn’t really plan on adding anything new since there really was no need to. Things have been fixed and it’s still going for at least another year. I’ve updated the portfolio part with some illustrations I’ve made since I last made an entry. Still not all of them but it’s getting there.

Healthwise it’s been a real mess. I had to quit UNI because of my sleep issues. Turns out I can’t even work as a teacher because of the issues I have with sleep so that was 3 years that really didn’t go anywhere. I did get experience and I do love trying things out and learning stuff, but it still feels like a bit of a waste of time to be honest. I’ve done lots of tests to see if they can figure out what’s wrong with me but since I’m also diagnosed with depression (and being sleepy and tired is quite common with depression), most of the healthcare workers I’ve met has instantly said that my issues with sleep is because of my depression. Which is wrong. Every shrink I’ve seen has agreed with me on that part because if that is true, then I would’ve been depressed since childhood and I don’t have a single memory of ever feeling as shitty and down as I did back in 2015. So getting some kind of diagnosis has been extremely slow. I’m going to meet with a doctor next week to talk about the possibility of me having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A lot of tests has to have been done before even getting to that stage and I’ve done a lot so I’m hopeful to at least get referred to the clinic in Stockholm that works with it. It all really depends on what the doctor says next week and I’m not hopeful. Last time I saw him he told me straight up that there was nothing more they could do for me and pretty much asked me what I want. I did have a meeting today with a bunch of people that can somewhat help decide how my future will be and they’ll send a message to the doctor I’m going to meet on what we talked about. It’s all a big mess to be honest but I’m not someone who doesn’t at least give it a try, even if I’m extremely skeptical.

Anyway, since quitting UNI I’ve become an apprentice at a tattoo studio. I’ve only done it for little over a year and it’s been really fun. Just wish I lived in a place that had more people because I don’t really have people to practice on except my partner. He’s all in for getting inked but I would like my clientele to be more than just him. I’m still working on my art and trying to get my illustration business to start but it’s been slow. Not that it was quick before but still, would’ve been nice to feel like I’m getting somewhere with it.

Right now I’m pretty much just trying to get healthier. Trying to go out for walks and eating more regularly. Food has been really hard for me since my depression and I keep forgetting to eat. It’s all just a work in progress I guess.. then again, aren’t everything.

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Entry #88

Well. So much has happened since I wrote something in this blog last time so let’s just start from the beginning.

I’ve quit my studies at University, mainly because of health issues. My sleep has gotten worse and after speaking with my psychologist we agreed that I probably won’t ever be able to have a full time job which means I won’t ever be able to be a teacher in the sense that I have my own class to take care of. So I decided that I’d quit but still try and finish the classes that I had started. In case I ever change my mind it would then be easier for me to jump back in without having to do some extra stuff that I’ve then missed. So, what have I’ve done instead? I’ve started tattooing. A tattoo studio that I contacted two years ago got back to me and wondered if I had found a place to do an apprenticeship at. I hadn’t so I got a spot at his studio and have been tattooing since then. All practice of course so I don’t take paying clients yet, but he says that I could be finished within a year which is very exiting. I’ve been going to Sandviken every week or so to practice and so far I’ve done four tattoos, the fourth one being done today. I can already see the difference in my lines. I also know that just jumping into an apprenticeship and starting to tattoo real skin isn’t common but my mentor decided that since I needed to learn it eventually anyway I might as well start right away. All the stuff around the tattooing process is a lot to take in and sometimes I forget to clingwrap something, like today, so I think I need to make a check-list that I can go by when I’m there so I don’t forget anything. If everything goes well I can open my own studio and that would pretty much solve my work and sleep issues. I can pretty much decide what times works best for me instead of having to go by hours set by someone else that doesn’t have my sleep issues.

About these issues I have with my sleep. I’ve been talking with a doctor close to where I live and also a psychologist, both wanted me to go through some more tests to try and figure out why I never feel like I get enough sleep and why I’m always so tired. I got to speak to a specialist doctor in Uppsala and will get to go there to sleep for two days while they monitor everything from my brain to my breathing and so on. In hopes of figuring something out. My local doctor thinks it might have something to do with deep sleep, that I don’t get it at all or that I don’t get enough of it. I’m just glad that people are taking me seriously for once. This has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember and people have blamed it on so much. I’ve slept too much. I’ve slept too little. I don’t exercise enough. I don’t eat well enough. Trust me, I’ve tried all these things for years on end. Herbal medication. Nothing helps. Sure, my body might feel good but I’m still so tired. Hopefully we can get somewhere. I don’t think I will be able to be cured of this but at least a document that says I have this issue would help so much.

My psychologist did at one point think that I have ADHD, which does run in my family since my little brother has it, but a lot of the symptoms for ADHD are similar to being really tired, mainly not being able to focus for my part. So they want me to get checked out at the sleep clinic in case they can find something there. My psychologist also told me that I need to work on writing shorter journal entries and try and focus on just three things:

  • waking up
  • during the day how I feel
  • when I go to bed and how I feel then

My biggest issue with why I don’t update this blog much is mostly because I always feel I have to write so much and because of that I always end up never writing anything instead. So I’m going to try to write short posts that I update on during the day. Try is the key word here.

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What happened? The pain.. end it.

We were sitting on a sofa together. We had a house. It was weirdly shaped with too many rooms, but it was ours. We were so close. We kissed. We laughed. We were together. The room we were in was mostly empty except for a sofa and two tv’s. On a shelf was a box with fabric. We talked about how to decorate the room better. To add more plants and change the layout of the furniture because right now it was a pretty silly layout.

There was a christmas tree. Silly decorations. Trying to surprise him. He was surprised. Laughter.

I climbed through my window. It was my window. I know it was. The lady climbed after me. I stared at all the things lying on the floor. Fear gripped me. The lady hadn’t climbed in yet. She said something. I looked at her. There was something weird in her eyes, the way she acted. She said something again. I looked around and the familiar setting scared me. I couldn’t stay here. Something was wrong. She said something again and I pressed myself past her and climbed out the window into the rain and ran. I tried to run. I tried to get away from them. I’ve tried for so long and all my plans had eventually failed. I had picked the wrong choice now. I felt it in my spine as I ran. I could hear them. They would meet up in the “middle” and take me down together. I couldn’t run a straight path so I turned straight left on to a field. I kept running. I couldn’t see of hear them but I knew they were coming. I ran into a lake and dived. I started swimming. Did they swim? I don’t know but what choice did I have now? I heard them. Those big mouths started to drink the water of the lake. I was sinking. I was trapped. I couldn’t run and I was heavy. I needed to leave. I concentrated. I floated. I left my mind and turn away. The sounds. Look away. Darkness.

I was sitting on the floor. A kid next to me and my parents in the room. I helped the kid get some things she had lost on the floor. I asked her if she wanted to give me lipstick now. She had wanted to do that for so long. She smiled and started. Pink lipstick. A piece broke off and smudged my shoe. Mom gave me some paper to wipe it off. The girl fell silent and looked sad. I asked her if she wanted to continue. She shook her head and said it felt meh. I told her I understood and that it feels like that sometimes. That we could try again when she felt like it.

I called. I don’t know where I got the number from but it was the right number. I knew I’d reach him. He answered. He sounded happy and there were sounds of people around him. Laughing.

“Hi. Where have you been?”

I was so happy to have heard his voice but as soon as I had said something it had vanished and turned quiet. He didn’t say anything.

“I’ve been so worried.”

Still nothing except the happy voices in the background. Now just a bit more silent and sombre.

“Why didn’t you tell me where you went or that you were going?”

He might’ve answered but I didn’t hear it, or I didn’t understand it for some reason, and after that I hung up. I don’t remember why or if he spoke or if I said something. I just hung up. I was angry. I wanted answers. Why did he just leave? We were good the last time we were together. We’d laughed and kissed and… it had been good. I remember smiles. Lots of smiling and lots of laughter.

“I’m going to find him.”

My parents looked at me and told me to take the big car. My father said it would show that I meant business. What I didn’t realise it that both of them would follow. I told them I didn’t need their help but they didn’t budge on the subject. I dropped it and started the car. I drove. Where was he? Smell him. Good dog! …wait… I don’t have a dog… I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and then back on the road.

“… good dog…” I whispered to myself.

His smell was here. It wasn’t strong but he had gone this way. He had gone to where those happy voices where. To where the laughs were. Why? Why did he go? … why did he leave without me?

I drove. It was dark now. His smell was getting stronger. There was a gathering of people ahead. Up a large mountain or a cliff-side. I looked back at my parents. They hadn’t said anything on the trip.

“Don’t join me. Do whatever you guys want, just leave me be.”

I knew that my father would have issues with this but my mother would stand by what I had said. This wasn’t a place for them to jump in.

We came up the cliff-side and there was a bonfire. Everything was bathed in red and orange light. People everywhere. Cars everywhere. Vomit in piles. Yes, there was some sort of a party but what kind I didn’t know. I parked the car and gave my parents the key. My father walked off into a larger looking barn and I hugged my mother, again telling her to do what they wanted but to leave me be. I think she patted me on the shoulder or the head. I walked. Past cars and vomiting people. The stink was horrible. There were so many smells but I followed his. I walked. To the edge of the gathering. It wasn’t as loud here and his smell was strong. He was here somewhere. I walked up a slope to a tiny house on a hill. I stopped by the door and leaned on the wall. I knocked. I heard people laughing. Strong steps towards the door. A man opened the door and I just walked past him and into the house. I knew where he was in here. By the kitchen wall. I walked up to him. His smile vanished as soon as he saw me. Mine grew. I found him!

“Why..” was all I could muster. “Why didn’t you call me?”

His eyes looked at me and still not.

“Why?” I repeated, my smile fading. “… what happened?”

The voices around me had been pretty silent since I had barged myself into their home. Not surprising.

“I used everything to find you! I tried to find you!” I was growing upset. Why didn’t he answer me? “I used everything I could think of to find you!”

Memories flashed of everything I tried. Images of bottles. Of liquid. Colours. His eyes still wouldn’t really look at ME. Something. I don’t know. I could see all the memories of us, smiling, being together.. perfect, all the memories of me trying everything to find him. I sighed. I turned. I walked towards the door. The largest man in there opened his mouth.

“Your parents are demons!” he shouted.

I stopped. With my hand on the handle. Slowly I turned my eyes towards him and walked over to the table next to him. I gripped the table on both sides and leaned over it. Not letting my large eyes off him. The largest smile I could muster appeared on my face.

“… oh really…!”

The air had gotten cold. Everyone was quiet. I felt his eyes on my neck. His wonderful eyes. I wiped the smile from my face and hung my head. I felt the tears in my throat. Why didn’t he…? Why? I walked over to the door and opened it. I was quiet, just as everyone else in this happy cabin. I didn’t look up anymore. I stared at the handle I gripped tightly.

“Think of me as dead..” I finally said to him. “That it was the fire under the school.”

I didn’t wait for an answer, if one ever came. I walked out and shut the door after me. I walked down the slope, trying to hold my head up high, but the more I walked the more I started to stumble. I leaned on a tree and the tears fell. Why? I… didn’t… why? I straightened myself as much as I could. The tears flowing down my face. I walked away. From the gathering. From the sounds and the smells. From the house. From… him… and just walked towards the forest.

waking up

I’d wish he’d followed.

It hurts so bad.

Did he run out?

Did he follow?

It hurts.

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Entry #87

It’s been a hard week. It really has.

I’ve been struggling a lot with everything, just getting out of bed being one of them. I’m just really afraid which makes me so sad. I have lived my life being someone who helped others to be happy, thinking that I’ll work on my own happiness when I’m finished helping them. I’d work jobs that I didn’t like working just to get money to help people I cared about. I’d change myself for their sake. My style, everything, just so I could fit in and people would be happy. But they never got happy and I just ended up burning myself out in the end. Now the thought of doing something just for the sake of it gives me anxiety and panic attacks.

I just have work to do.

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Entry #86

I’ve started to see a new psychologist again. For a myriad of reasons but mainly for my sleeping issues. I just really want to get to the bottom of why I’m so tired constantly. I’m just so sick and tired of trying to tell people that I’m so tired that I can’t live a normal life and they basically tell me: “Everyone is tired, have you tried (x) or (y)?”. Yes, yes I know everyone is tired and I have tried so many different things. Everything you can think of from eating the correct food to exercising regularly to having a regular sleeping schedule, and then keeping all of that for years. Even tried natural remedies but nothing works. So they want me to go to a sleeping clinic to sleep for a few days in hopes of the doctors there finding something in my brain that might be causing this, and we’re also going to see if I have ADD/ADHD since that can also cause someone to be extremely tired. My psychologist has told me that I probably have to get used to the fact that I can’t hold down a normal 9-5 job because of the amount of sleep that my body seems to need to function. That has never been something I’ve ever thought about since my mind has always been that if someone else can do it, then so can I, but it really seems that I really can’t and that thought hurts a little. It’s also a bit freeing to hear someone else tell me that they think I just physically can’t do what is seen as normal. We’ve been trying to work through some problems that I’ve been having that are causing me quite a lot of distress and anxiety, while she also stated that I seem to have become quite depressed, or has been so for a while but just being very good at hiding it. There’s just currently so much in my life that I feel is out of my control and I want to take control and fix it but I don’t know how and it’s just causing a large downward spiral.

I’ve implemented a weekly schedule for myself again since I can’t seem to get things done otherwise. It’s worked quite well so far but I’m only on my second week so it might be a bit too soon to celebrate, but a good start at least. With my new schedule, I’m getting enough sleep (enough that I’m staying awake for the day and actually managing to do things) and also managing to do all the things I want to do during the week, such as drawing, streaming, updating my website and my Patreon, working out, and also having some time for whatever. I’ve also cleaned and fixed my workspace in the living room so I’m away from my gaming computer since I know that I get stuck doing everything else except what I’m supposed to do when I’m sitting there. In my workspace, I only have my laptop for videos or music while I work. The space has a lot of plants and art and it’s just cozy. I really like it. Just wish I had a better chair and not a small stool, but that’s something I can fix later on. If I ever remember to.

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Entry #85

I’ve been in Gävle now for work for a week and a half, and I must say that I really want it to be over. I just want to go back home and sleep in my own bed in my own apartment, and not having to wake up at 6am every morning is also a plus. I noticed that UNI starts again August 30 so I have at least a week or so to rest after this before there are classes and assignments to work with again.

I’m also looking forward to being back home so I can get back on my regular schedule with drawing. It has been extremely difficult to draw while being here. Mostly because I’m so tired so I basically fall asleep as soon as I get back home to my mom’s place and I don’t really have a place to sit and draw that isn’t covered in a sticky residue. I rather not put my sketchbook on something that will make it sticky and gross. Which means I’m trying to draw while sitting in bed and that just hurts my back after a bit. At least I get to go home on weekends. Not that I get to do much except sleep but I feel that it’s a nice break for my mental health. Sure it would be cheaper to just stay in Gävle for these weeks that I’m going to work but I’m sure I would have a mental breakdown and cry while working. I rather not have that discussion with my mom so I’m going home on weekends. Can’t wait to get home for real. Just the quiet of being outside of a big city and also being in my own home without several people walking around and kids screaming and all that.

I also realised that I did not bring enough clothes for this trip!

Well. One thing I can say is a good thing with this trip is that my older brother finally seems to have gotten over why he’s mad at me. It’s only been two years after all. He got mad at me because I wanted him to help out more and he misunderstood, thinking that I meant that he never helps out, which I know is BS because he helps out a lot. But since then he hasn’t spoken to me much, if at all. So it seems he’s finally gotten over that now.

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Entry #84

Kami is fine. Seems all he needed was better quality food. He is being a jerk though and keeps licking the spot where they shaved his leg to take a blood sample so he has to have a cone of shame on. Which he then figured out how to move so he could reach his leg and lick it raw. So I made him a sock to have over his leg but he figured out how to move it after a while and lick the spot raw again. Now he has both cone and sock on at the same time in hopes of the spot getting fur back so he can’t lick his skin raw. I’m glad he’s not sick. Too bad he’s a dumdum and don’t understand to not lick his arm raw so he wouldn’t need the cone and sock of shame!

I’m heading off to Gävle on Tuesday. Not really looking forward to it but that’s not unusual or a surprise to anyone who knows me. Except my family. Which sounds so weird but not important. Going to be there for three weeks, so it’s going to get quite boring after a while. At least we’ll get some funds to do things with after these three weeks. Better than nothing.

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Entry #83

Tomorrow we’re heading to the vet to check out Kami’s health. He’s been very tired lately and even spends nights not sleeping next to me, which makes me worry. For all the years I’ve had him he’s always slept with me like a teddy bear. He’s also lost more weight since we were at the vet last so I need to get this checked out. Both him and Reika are getting quite old and I know I won’t be able to have them with me forever, but I want them to live long and healthy lives with me at least. So. Tomorrow, it’s checking in with the vet to see what they say.

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Entry #82

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety over a specific subject ever since coming back from Gävle, and that subject is children. My mom has always been very vocal about her wanting me to have children while I, on the other hand, haven’t really been very eager to get kids. I’ve always had that mindset that if I wanted kids I’d adopt because that felt much more logical. Why bring a new child into the world when there are so many out there without a family. This mindset of mine has been met with comments such as “It’s not the same” or “You have to experience childbirth”. First of all, I know it’s not the same. One is pretty much making a new human being inside your own body and the other is bringing in a fully living being into your home. I know that but for me, I don’t really care. I’ve never felt the urge to have kids, something that my mom isn’t fond of. Whenever she can she brings up the subject, asking me when I’ll have kids and stating that even if I don’t want kids I should have kids and then just hand them over to her. I know that’s always been an option but that option doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t want to bring another person into a world when I don’t really want it. That wouldn’t be fair. I know I’m getting old and that my so-called, “clock is ticking” and yes, this is giving me massive anxiety. Not so much because I need children but because I feel like I have to. All those voices telling me I have to because I’m a woman and I should have children or that my genes with my mom and dad will vanish if I don’t pass them on to kids. The list goes on and on. I was never really that kid who dreamed about getting married and having a family. Sure, I thought about it. The thought crossed my mind but it never stayed for very long. I mean, the thought of growing old without kids also crossed my mind and it never scared me. Of course, I think that it would be “fun” to have a mini-me running around that I could teach things to and all that but it’s nothing I feel like I have to have. Like I stated before, the idea of adopting has always been a very valid point for me, and yes I know that it’s expensive and that it’s “not the same as having your own child”, but if you really want to adopt, I don’t think those things are something you’d think about. At least not for me. It’s a child, like any other, and one that should have a home and someone that loves them as their own. That for me is what having a kid is all about. Not just passing on genes, or wanting kids because you think they’ll end up good-looking because of the mix of genes.

But still. Lots of anxiety over the subject. I just can’t believe that just because I can have kids, it means I must have kids. What if I’m ok with just being me? What if I don’t feel I need or want children?

What about what I want?

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Entry #81

I’ve been streaming a lot lately. Well, I say a lot but I have a schedule and stream every Monday to Friday and sometimes on weekends but then only games. I find it really fun, to be honest, and I like it when there are viewers who chat with me. It’s always fun having a conversation with people if they’re friendly that is. It has made me think about my old youtube channel. I think I should at least do some sort of update on that channel. Just to explain why I don’t upload things there anymore and that I’m streaming instead. Of course, sometimes I want to go back to making youtube videos but then I remember how much time went into editing and recording and making a thumbnail and all that, just to have someone copyright claim it all in the end. Yeah, I don’t really miss it that much. I miss the fun times I had making the videos and talking to people but I never did like the editing and the thumbnail making and all that. Which makes sense that streaming would be something I would do. Just never found a good way to stream since I normally work with traditional media and that’s so hard for me to stream. I’m so glad I found a brush that works for the way I draw. It just never really worked for me before then, and I did try, believe me, I did try. It just made me frustrated instead.

Anyway. I’m getting my first covid-19 vaccination tomorrow. I’m a bit worried about how my body will react to it since I’ve always gotten sick quite easily since I was a kid. But good thing is that I don’t have UNI right now (because of summer vacation) and I don’t have to jump in as a replacement for my mom until the 28th of July. So got loads of “free” time to be sick, if I happen to get sick that is.

Also! Passed my English course as well, so now I have nothing to catch up on from my university studies. Just two more years left to go and I can call myself a teacher. We’ll just see what I manage to do before then.

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